Scrolling on-line this morning, I was amazed at the number of do-it-yourself Alzheimer’s tests “available” and I use that word advisedly since it includes a positive implication that may not be true. I decided to try a couple of tests, in part to see how I’d do and in part to feel a tiny bit what Ralph must feel every time we visit the doctor’s office, not only facing his annual test to recalibrate his level of cognitive loss, but when he has to answer the short list of questions his doctor not so subtly slips in during our interim six month check up.
I took the SAGE (Self-Administered Gero-Cognitive Exam), developed by the Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center plus a test developed by the Department of Veterans affairs that Dr. Oz promotes .
A disclaimer–I am not a fan of Dr. Oz. Maybe that’s why I scored only 59% on the Dr. Oz test the first time I took it. Or maybe it’s because I kind of cheated: I didn’t have the stopwatch the test required so I had to guess how many animals I could name in a minute (full disclosure: while writing this, I had to go back to the site-twice- to see just how long I was supposed to have, thirty seconds? Ninety seconds?).
Of course Dr. Oz invited me to take the test again and also to buy some memory aid products. I nixed the products but I did take the test again, raising my score 71%. This time round, I also realized I had not properly memorized the five (or was it four, I can’t remember) items I was supposed to remember. Tie was an item after all. But I still couldn’t, and can’t, remember the last one.
Taking the Sage test was more interesting because I found myself uneasy and unsure how to answer some of the subjective, non-memory introductory questions. Do I have balance problems? Well, I don’t think so, but I am accident prone, having had two sidewalk mishaps in the last three years—once tripping on my shoelace and once slipping on ice—so maybe I’m kidding myself. Have I had changes in my personality? Yes, and yes, also to whether I have “more difficulties doing everyday activities due to thinking problems”. I like to blame those yeses on my anxiety regarding Ralph, but then again…. My palms were sweating before I even started.
As for the SAGE test itself, I got the first 10 out of 11 questions right effortlessly. But on number 11 I did the unthinkable—I didn’t follow the directions! My shape was right but I missed a step, and as I recall from ninth grade Algebra (or was it Geometry?), skipping the step is bad, bad, bad!
So the good news is that while I didn’t exactly ace my exams, I don’t have Alzheimer’s. The bad new is that if I got this tense taking these tests on a whim, what must it feel like for Ralph taking much more complicated, exhausting tests knowing how much is at stake. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own anxiety/resentment/struggles that I lose sight of the existential crisis he faces daily, hourly even, every time he grasps to remember and comes up empty handed.