Tag Archives: social life with Alzheimer’s

Ralph’s Night to Shine (And Forget Alzheimer’s)

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It never fails. Whenever I start complaining about my life as a caretaker spouse, events remind me to shut up, stop griping and recognize the good stuff.

Case in point, we had house full of guests last week:

My 20-something nephew living with us for the summer while doing an internship; my 13-year-old (step)granddaughter was having one of summer weeks at the farm; and a photographer from out-of-state here to defend (with my support) her local portrait project, which was being attacked as too controversial by some members of the project’s sponsoring art organization board on which I serve.

So the five of us were sitting around the dinner table, one of those big group meals at which Ralph and I used to excel and which I tend to avoid now because I hate sitting beside Ralph as he withdraws into silence unable to follow the thread of conversation. What I usually feel is a mixture of guilt that I am not finding a way to include him and impatience that he is ruining my enjoyment. (And the truth is it is my responsibility to make him comfortable in a variety of situations and I sometimes chafe under that responsibility.)

What I felt the other night was, well it was envy. Ralph was so damn charming that the three others at the table—for whom I’d been working all day to entertain in different ways—were enraptured. Even the 13-year-old, jaded as only a 13-year-old girl can be—sat up straight an listened with fascination as Ralph told his stories about meeting MLK Jr. The photographer leaned over to whisper how handsome he was. My nephew acknowledged that Ralph scared him when he was a little boy. “You weren’t mean, but you were stern,” my nephew said. The 13-year-old smiled slyly because the Ralph she knows is a pushover softie. Ralph agreed with her.

My envy reminded me how I used to feel in my introverted twenties when I was in a group setting with Ralph and he was the energy force around which everyone orbited. In those days I was obviously drawn to his charisma, if a little jealous of sharing it with others.

This envy was oddly refreshing. I admit I kind of like my new role as the social butterfly in our marriage but it can be tiring. I have become so used to being the one responsible that it took a moment for me to relax and let Ralph hold the limelight for a change. Once I did relax, what I really felt was wifely pride in Ralph’s charm. And even a little wifely love.

(But I can’t get too Pollyannish because the next day, exhausted by his social efforts, Ralph was more foggy than ever.)

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Ralph’s Good Memory Mood Lets the Good Times Roll

 

IMG_0154.JPG                                           (rainbow at our farm one recent evening)

Anger, resentment, frustration, impatience, worry, guilt—wow, I have really sounded like an unhappy person lately.

But spring has arrived, the sky is clear, and so far the mosquitoes are staying away.

Also, Ralph is in a good mood.

Which means that he is in a good memory mood. Which means he is relatively relaxed. And when he’s relaxed, his memory lapses don’t escalate. And I have more patience. So the cycle turns positive instead of negative.

It helps that our son is visiting for two weeks—an unheard of treat although since Ralph’s diagnosis he has really stepped up to the plate in terms of making time to spend with Ralph. Last weekend we threw a dinner party with my son’s friends and ours in attendance. Guess who was the life of the party? (“Ralph is so smart and funny,” one of our newer friends said to me the next day.) And I had a good time too.

In a couple of days our sixteen-year-old grandson is arriving for one of his understandably infrequent visits from his home with our former daughter-in-law in Namibia. S’s father, Ralph’s son from his first marriage who now lives in California but talks to Ralph on the phone at least four days a week now, wants S. to have some quality time with his grandfather while he still can.

Everybody will be here to attend the art show Ralph’s art class is having on Saturday. Ralph is the only male in the class. I suspect he’ll be feeling the love on Saturday.

Then on Sunday, we’re having a picnic for S’s extended family—Ralph’s first wife with her husband, kids and grandkids as well as S’s mother’s sister’s growing family. It sounds complicated, lots of blended families.

But the thing is, there will be lots of kids here. Kids love Ralph and he’s great with them. He’ll have a ball.

As for me, it is interesting, because my reactions have become oddly less complicated. If anything, I am surprised how little I mind doing all the organizing legwork.

In the early days of our relationship, I used to resent Ralph’s charisma, his skill and desire to socialize. I wanted him to pay me the attention he paid everyone else, and I often felt like an uncomfortable afterthought among his friends.

Now that our life together has reduced down to a narrow, often lonely routine,  I get more attention from Ralph than I need or want (although I do sometimes get jealous of the dogs I suppose). So it is a gift to see Ralph caught up in the whirl of social interaction with others for a change, to see him following and actively participating in conversations.

While the others laugh at his jokes, I can relax and enjoy Ralph himself in ways I forgot, if I ever recognized, were possible.

Let the good times roll.