Tag Archives: drinking Alzheimer’s

A Mountain or A Molehill of a Bad Night?

I have been avoiding writing this entry, wondering if I can skip it, but if this is to be an honest chronicle, there’s no leaving out the unflattering, ugly and/or embarrassing parts.

Ralph fell on Friday and ended up in the emergency room. He’s fine, but the experience was unnerving and upsetting on several levels: as a reality check on our life together now, as a glimpse into our possible future, as a mirror into my reactions.

Ralph had injured his back last Monday and spent the next four days in serious pain. He did what he always has done with his back issues in the past —lay on his back with a brace and took painkillers. I brought him food and Advil, but to say I was attentive might be an exaggeration since I went into Atlanta for someone’s birthday dinner without him Tuesday night and was in and out of house the rest of the time, actually finding as many reasons to be out as I could.

By Friday he seemed much better. When I got home from the grocery story at 5-ish, he was sitting on the front porch talking on the phone to his sister. I was glad to see he was back to his usual afternoon routine but also vaguely annoyed with him for no particular reason except maybe caregiver fatigue as I schlepped in the grocery bags by myself. Minutes later while fiddling around in the kitchen, I heard a crashing noise. I assumed it was the dog, but—and here’s where the embarrassing, unflattering part starts—a thought slipped into my head along the lines of, if that’s Ralph dropping dead it serves him right for sitting out there not helping me with the groceries.

Of course, it was Ralph. He lay crumpled face down on the ground by the porch steps. He was not moving. What had I just wished on him? To twist the knife a little more, that very morning he’d asked me out of the blue, “What will you do when I die?” In response I had laughed uncomfortably and changed the subject. What if he’d had a presentiment?

He was conscious but unable to move his legs. His speech was slurred. I thought, stroke. I couldn’t and knew I shouldn’t move him. So I made the 911 call.

Ok, here comes the next embarrassing part: The EMT said that Ralph didn’t seem to have had a stroke or broken any bones, a relief of sorts, but that he smelled liquor on Ralph’s breath. I got defensive and said all we had in the house was white wine, which was true, and how much could he have imbibed in the two hours I was gone. The EMT said I shouldn’t be embarrassed if Ralph was tipsy when he fell. Right. I was more than embarrassed. I was half-hoping it was a stroke because that would be less difficult to explain than allowing my 68-year-old cognitively impaired husband get so drunk he fell off the porch.

On the 45-minute drive behind the ambulance, I called both my kids to prepare them just in case it was a stroke although I very calmly told them it probably wasn’t. Meanwhile I was composing titles for my next blog entry in my head, along the lines of From the Border of Early Alzheimer’s into the Abyss.

At the emergency room, Ralph was awake but very out of it. He had no memory of falling or riding in the ambulance and didn’t understand where he was. I panicked oh no this is going to be my life from now on. I have read so many blogs by wonderful people caring for their seriously debilitated spouses, but I wasn’t ready to be one of them.

The hospital tests clarified that Ralph had not had a stroke. And that his alcohol level was way over the legal limit. I was horrified. How had I allowed this to happen to him? Was he an alcoholic and I his enabler or was he a guy with a bad back and a worse memory who drank some wine on an empty stomach because his wife didn’t bother to make him lunch before she went out and he forgot to eat)? Either way, I was at fault. The medical staff didn’t seem very concerned—a 68-year-old man drank too much and tripped was the general consensus.

But to me and to Ralph it was a nightmare. I had never witnessed him so totally confused. And each time he asked me to explain his current situation, he became more deeply upset that his life had come to this point. “I am a man who is in control,” he repeated shaking his head.

As I drove him home minutes after he was released, he’d already forgotten we had just been at the hospital. I panicked. Was this his new memory level? I dreaded what I would be dealing with the next day and every day to come.

In the morning Ralph woke up sore, but he remembered the fall and the hospital. If anything, his memory was sharper than it has been for a while. He was mortified, worried that someone we knew had seen him in the hospital. I assured him no one had. We discussed how much he had drunk. He didn’t know but he had eaten very little and drunk on top of his meds and a lot of Advil. I explained how alcohol exacerbates cognitive impairment. He has not exactly sworn off his lite beer forever, but hasn’t had one since. He says he is more groggy/foggy than ever, but it seems to me that his memory is better and he has more energy. We are both relieved, enjoying life the way you do when you have just skirted disaster.

But for those five hours Friday night, I saw what our future might hold—Ralph’s nightmarish confusion, my cold calm covering inward fury—and it wasn’t pretty.

Ralph’s Pre-Wedding Jitters

We are down to the last few days before the wedding and it is bittersweet in all the expected ways, but Ralph’s MCI/cognitive impairment adds a layer of intensity.

The bride and groom seem to be over the humps of pre-marital jitters and moving into pure excitement and impatience for the day to get here already, although I do spend a lot of time calming the bride-to-be down about mostly minor issues.

The rest of the time I am walking around the house in my glittery new silver pumps getting used to two-inch heels on my still-recovering ankle when I am not running out to buy flashlights (a little obsession of mine, that the path to the parked cars will be too dark) or pecan pralines for the guest goody bags or garbage bags (controlling the mess, another embarrassing obsession). My day starts early and ends late, including quickie visits to my mother, whose health is shakier and shakier as the wedding approaches.

But adrenaline is fueling miles of energy I never knew I had. And I have moments of incredible joy when little details come together that seem symbolic of the coming marriage.

We spent last evening with our daughter and one of her two brothers and our granddaughter, whom we had not seen for a year. Like at the Thai restaurant last week, Ralph was amazing. There were the usual discussions that began “remember when” and he always did remember, at least some version. When sibling issues began to percolate, he jumped in and smoothed the waters. I saw him through the kids’ eyes:  the patriarch, imposing and beloved.

But today Ralph is suddenly a little lost, probably because he has finished all the pre-wedding chores that have kept him scheduled into a routine. Plus this is his baby girl getting married and as much as he likes her intended, he is only half-joking when he says he would rather she move home and take care of him.

When I left the house at 11 this morning, he was still in his bathrobe. When I got back at 2:30, he had forgotten to eat lunch—I suspect he had been asleep. After I gave him lunch, he drove to the gas station for a six-pack of beer. That was his only activity of the day.

Yet he is exhausted and talks openly about how anxious he is feeling. Tomorrow I will have him help me put up signs to the ceremony and reception sites. He does much better when he has a chore to accomplish.

Tomorrow night, the whole family descends and my guess is he will rally, at least outwardly. (No, I am not cooking; take out bbq will do fine.) But the anxiety is not going to abate. His inability to keep straight the details of when-and-where-and-who is staring him down in a way he can usually avoid but finds impossible to ignore this week. He is openly nervous about the physical details but I suspect his bigger concern is interacting with so many people and keeping straight the details. Since I may be busy with hostessing duties, various friends are planning to keep an eye on him, but I know that when Ralph starts getting disoriented I am the only one he wants nearby.

He keeps asking, “How do you  me  stay so calm?”

I avoid answering, but really, I have no choice; someone has to stay calm, the same way one of us has to keep remembering for the other.

Special Delivery

Yesterday, I asked Ralph to stay around the house and watch for a UPS shipment while I took my mother to the doctor and then handled a business transaction concerning the sale of our business. Before I left the house Ralph asked me repeatedly why he needed to stay in the house. Once I was gone, he called me repeatedly asking what he was waiting for and worrying that it hadn’t come. At one point he left the house and waited in the barn, against my specific instructions, until I told him in the next phone call to go back to the house.

His problem was anxiety, not memory, or it was memory compounded by anxiety. But since the package was my daughter’s wedding dress (sent to us so the groom would not see it by mistake), my anxiety got pretty high too. Especially when Ralph stopped calling or picking up his phone when I called him for an hour while rushing home.

Of course once I got home, he was sitting on the porch with the dog and a beer. “Oh yeah, I think something came,” he said when I asked, “That big white box in there?”

Once the package came, it stopped being something he needed to remember so it didn’t occur to him to call and tell me. Besides, he’d left his phone somewhere in the house where he couldn’t hear it ring and needed me to find it.

The bottom line is that Ralph managed fine and the dress is safe. When my daughter nervously texted from her job to ask if it arrived, I couldn’t help teasing her—as if an already tense bride-to-be needed her mother to make things worse.

“If what arrived?” I texted back, before quickly, and guiltily,  texting again, “Safe and Sound.”

The joke’s on me because now I have to wait to open the box and look at the dress until she comes out here on her day off. The anticipation is driving me nuts…it’s a different kind of anxiety than I’m used to these days and one that’s a lot more fun.

Drinking and Smoking and MCI


I know, I know, if drinking and smoking are not good for anyone, their effect on people with memory loss has to be worse.

In fact one of the first things Ralph’s primary physician said after the diagnosis—no alcohol, no smoking.

But bad habits are hard to give up. And making someone else give them up is even harder. And to be honest, I’ve begun to wonder if maybe Ralph shouldn’t hang on to a few bad habits for a sense of normalcy. There are so many aspects of Ralph-ness he’s already letting go—the real estate dealmaker has lost his touch for number-crunching, the Bob Dylan fanatic doesn’t listen to music any more, the husband who used to only half-jokingly call himself the captain of the family passively agrees with every decision I make. Not that I’m complaining because Ralph’s temper has disappeared or because he’s become a sweeter, gentler human being; but the changes have spooked me a little.

God knows that for most of the length of our 35-year marriage I nagged Ralph repeatedly to cut down on both booze and nicotine. I have always been a bit of a stick-in-the-mud prude. I never smoked even as a kid and my drinking is limited to a very occasional glass of wine; after two I’m tipsy or worse. But I understand addictive habits; if there’s chocolate or ice cream in the house watch out.

Ralph has downed at least three or four cans a night for as long as I’ve known him. Well, actually, he probably drank closer to a six-pack many days. In fact when Ralph first started showing signs of cognitive loss, months before the MCI diagnosis, I thought his problems had to do with his Natty-Lite consumption (and I still believe it didn’t help). We talked about the connection—that he was always fuzzier at night, the same time of day he imbibed—and Ralph has actually cut down on his own. Now he drinks one or two, never more than three cans of lite beer around dinnertime, and not every night. Drinking less has obviously not cured his memory issues, and do I really want to take that bit of pleasure away?

As for smoking, Ralph went cold turkey when the kids were small and stayed nicotine free for over twenty years, but it only took one puff on a cigar at a Fourth of July party to get him hooked again five years ago. In retrospect he started smoking again around the same time that his memory began to slip, before we acknowledged it except as a joke although he may have been more worried privately than he let on.

At first he smoked just a cigar or two a day. He kept saying he was about to quit. Instead, he smoked more. He never smoked in the house; instead he’d find excuses to go off in his car or sit bundled up on the front porch on the coldest winter day lighting one cigar after another. All my nagging fell on deaf ears. The more anxious he became about his memory, the more he smoked. By the time he was diagnosed with MCI last spring, he was up to a pack a day. And remember, we’re talking a pack of cigars, cheap, skinny, smelly ones that have to be stronger than the equivalent number of cigarettes.

So last month, in an ironic turn of events, I found myself convincing him to switch back to cigarettes for two reasons: 1., he’d have to smoke a lot more of them to hit the same nicotine level he was reaching with the cigars and 2., my more selfish reason, the cigarettes wouldn’t stink up his clothes as much. The old Ralph would have fought me, but the new Ralph made the switch.

Now I remember how much I hate cigarettes smoke.

But two days ago I came across a 2012 Georgetown University study showing that nicotine may actually slow down MCI. I couldn’t quite believe, so I talked to the nurse practitioner in our neurologist’s office. She said the results aren’t in on Alzheimer’s-related dementia there is some evidence that nicotine helps with Parkinson’s.

Meanwhile, Ralph’s down to less than half a pack a day. So now I’m feeling guilty not only because he still drinks but also because he might quit smoking because of me. But I can’t bring myself to show him the Georgetown article.