Tag Archives: Alzheimer’s friendship

More About Working Out The Equation of an Alzheimer’s Marriage

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Ralph and I spent the last few days eating and sleeping in the same house and interacting with the same people and yet our weekends could not have been more different.

Our town faced a crisis this weekend because the same Neo-Nazi organization that marched in Charlottesville, Virginia, decided to hold a rally here. The city government felt obligated to issue a permit under Freedom of Speech laws (but foolishly did not think of charging them to compensate for the cost of such a rally to the town). In response local citizens, including me, organized responses to the rally. Folks gathered on the town square on Friday night to support the local businesses, which would have to be shuttered during the rally, and to help children chalk humanitarian messages on the walkways in the park where the Neo-Nazis would be convening. Saturday there was a peaceful protest against the rally and also a Unity Gathering, an ecumenical coming together of citizens of various faiths, races, and ethnicities.

I attended all of these events. Ralph attended none.

Although I discussed the situation as little as I could, I probably discussed it more than I should have. After all, I was embroiled and it was on all I was thinking about.

On Saturday (and probably even Friday night) Ralph was filled with anxiety. Safety is paramount to him these days. “Be Safe” is his mantra to me every time I leave the house, even if only to drive to the convenience store. And to be honest, there was reason for concern Saturday. Fortunately, the husband of a friend who was also attending the Saturday gatherings stayed with him during the afternoon. And more fortunately, the number of Neo-Nazis who showed up (40 minutes late to their own two-hour rally, by the way) was smaller than expected; the anti-racist protest peaceful; and the Unity gathering was uplifting in the best ways. Ralph enjoyed his quiet day and I ended up enjoying my very active one. By the next morning he’d pretty much forgotten there’d been anything unusual going on.

But that was not the end of the weekend.

Sunday night we were invited to dinner with three couples we see regularly. The get togethers have always fit the same pattern, Ralph always complaining ahead about having to go, and then telling me what a wonderful time he’s had afterward.

Not this time. As soon as we got in the car to head home, Ralph rolled down his window, pulled out a cigarette and announced in no uncertain terms, “I was ready to leave an hour ago.”

And the truth is, so was I. As much as I love and enjoy my friends, I was a tense wreck the whole time because I could sense Ralph’s misery. In the past Ralph has told his own stories and jokes and enjoyed the jokes and stories of the others, but he was much quieter last night. He would laugh when the rest of us laughed at a joke but I could tell he was not sure what was funny. He would be just that little bit too quiet while listening to someone’s story or some casual banter so I knew he wasn’t really following it. There was a new divide I could not avoid notice widening between him and everyone else. I found myself mediating, trying to cover for him much more than I’ve had to in the past. And it was exhausting.

I have read all the literature about keeping people with cognitive impairment as mentally active as possible, but I have slowly become less pushy. And I am facing that groups of more than three are now an overload for Ralph, especially when we are away from home, but maybe even at home.

So no more making him attend events where he is out of his comfort zone. Which doesn’t necessarily mean I will stop attending, does it? That is the equation I need to work out.