Tag Archives: Alzheimer’s and drinking

This Inattentive Alzheimer’s Spouse Gets Caught

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So hours after bragging about how beautifully I’ve handled Ralph lately, I naturally got my comeuppance.

Shortly after I posted my little self-congratulation, Ralph announced that he could not find his phone. Misplacing a phone is as common as morning coffee for most of us these days, why the find-your-phone app is essential as that morning coffee. But Ralph’s basic flip phone, which he has never been willing (able) to switch from, doesn’t have that app. So there was no find-your-phone button we could use. Instead we (I) dropped everything I had on my schedule to begin the search.

“Have you checked your car?” he asked every few minutes, and I dutifully looked there again. He had not been in my car for days, and I had seen him on the phone the night before but anxiety pushed him into one of his memory loops. He was sure he had placed the phone in my passenger door pocket although he had not been in my car since a visit to the dentist the week before.

As we searched I thought about how important Ralph’s cell phone has become as a safety net. Thanks to the cell phone Ralph and I each have a degree of independence we might not have. I can check on him regularly. And he can push one button and talk to me wherever either of us is. But my comfort level depending on the phone assumes I can trust he has one nearby and will pick up. What if he’d lost the phone while I was out of town or even at the grocery store? The idea of him being on his own and unreachable for days or hours, or even a few minutes frankly, is terrifying. (It might have be time to get to a land-line again). 

We started looking for the phone midmorning. At three in the afternoon I was at Verizon while Ralph waited at the farmstressed out. Fortunately he was  only semi-unreachable since our tractor man, soon to be farm caretaker, was nearby with his phone.

As it turns out, Ralph’s 3-G phone will be obsolete and unusable within a matter of months so getting a new phone was in the cards anyway. I considered switching him to some kind of relatively easy-to-use smart phone, but common sense—and the salesperson—prevailed. Ralph, who had enough difficulty operating his lost flip phone,  would resist and resent a change. The good news is that the updated flip phone I bought looks exactly like his old one, but unlike the old phone it will be connected to my phone in such a way that I’ll be able to locate it and by extension Ralph in an emergency. So the small snafua turned into a win-win scenario-except for the stress and anxiety that took a definite toll on both of us. The lesson I learned: I need to keep track of Ralph’s phone and make sure he has it on him whenever he leaves the house (although while I sit here writing,  I realize I didn’t check on him and his phone before I came up here).

Two days later an even smaller snafu handed me a second reminder about the importance of vigilance. We were invited by some friends for dinner. As we headed out the door, I went to the refrigerator for the bottle of Spanish white wine I planned take along to go with the paella being served.  Evidently Ralph had noticed the wine, which I’d purchased the previous afternoon, and partaken. I was annoyed and let him know it —not my finest moment.

After all, it  was my own fault. I wasn’t paying adequate attention. I should have known that he would see the bottle in the fridge and not remember he wasn’t to drink it. It’s not like this hasn’t happened before, but my mind was elsewhere and I let things slide.

As soon as I yelled at him, he apologized profusely and I felt terrible. I shut up and quickly changed the subject.(And really how trivial and stupid of me was it to be embarrassed about showing up with an opened bottle of wine, as if anyone cared.)  Three days later, he has no memory of the unpleasant moment but I do. 

I can’t help reacting as a wife when Ralph complicates my life. But these petty problems remind me Ralph is not just my husband but my responsibility.  And just because he seems content doesn’t mean I can lower my guard.

ps.The lost phone remains unfound although I imagine it will turn up eventually. I have marked the new one in bright colors to differentiate just in case.

Back FromWhat Felt Like One Brink to Face Another

As usual we balance on the teeter-totter of good news and bad.

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Ralph’s visit to Emory last week was a bit worrisome. The social worker noticed the same change in his communication that I’d been noticing. He was not exactly monosyllabic but offered much less information than usual. When I explained that he’d been in bed for a week, without his usual dosage of nicotine or caffeine, we agreed that it might be situational blip but that I should watch his lack of energy and engagement. It could be situational, but what worried me was that the temporary setback would set off a permanent slide. I was nervous. Ralph definitely seemed sluggish the next couple of day. I had to prod him to take his pills, to take his shower, to eat his lunch. But he has always been negatively affected by the kind of dreary weather were having and to my relief when the sun finally came out, his energy definitely ticked up.  I still had some niggling doubts because he seemed a bit foggy in the evenings, but then again we were still both a little stuffed up and coughing.

Then two days ago he shocked me by announcing. “I’m looking forward to Christmas with everyone in New Orleans. That should be fun.”

Ralph looking forward to travel? Ralph looking forward to anything? Wow. He was back to his old self, well not his old old self but at least his self of three weeks ago if not a touch more lively. I breathed a sigh of relief.

Of course, being back to his self of three weeks ago meant he was back to cigarettes and beer. And spending more time in his office away from his wife’s prying. And instead of sitting on the cold porch in the late afternoon, he began sitting in his truck where he could run the heat. I nagged him some, but mostly I turned a semi-blind eye. To be honest I didn’t have the energy to fight him.

(Except over the cigarette smell, which I had forgotten how much I hate but that’s another story.)

And last night we had the kind of crisis we’ve avoided for quite a while. He shambled into the house for dinner, stumbling against the wall and just short of incoherent. In other words drunk on lite beer. At least I think he was. I was worried that maybe it was something else, but no, it was beer overindulgence because once he ate he was more or less fine.

If he didn’t have the cognitive impairment, I’d…well he does have it.

So we talked calmly. I was stern and he contrite. He agreed again, to have no more than four beers a day. No beer at all unless I was there to keep count. So no more keeping beer outside the house, whether in the office or the truck. He agreed.

I reminded him this morning. Of course he didn’t remember last night, except his hand hurt, and that was enough to prove my point. Again he agreed. I drove to an appointment. He called to ask where his car keys were. I said I didn’t have them. He was sure I did. I drove home a bit later and found a new 12-case in his truck. He’d used the extra keys in the mudroom. But he was now chastened and suggested I go ahead and take the case of beer out of his car. He came to the house at four as we’d agreed. Everything is calm.

Sort of.  To watch him as carefully as he may need requires limiting myself in ways I frankly don’t want to. I feel a wave of resentment along with the standard guilt that I have been doing an inadequate job. I have already made one big change:

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I’m putting the life list I always make for him while I’m away in service everyday now. And the list itself is longer now, including more daily activities, and also including a check off for beers 1 thru 4.

We’ll see how long this lasts. He got home at 3:30 this afternoon. It’s 5:15 now and he’s on beer #4.