So this week we had an outing: to a lawyer’s office to sign our wills.
We drew up wills in Georgia years ago, before Ralph’s diagnosis, and a few years ago we updated the wills, to account for the reality that if I were to die Ralph could not handle the responsibility of being an executor or trustee. He agreed and we made the necessary tweaks. But Louisiana laws are slightly different so I was told to have the wills reviewed and updated yet again.
I find messing with wills—getting my head around the face that my death will actually happen and has to be prepared for in legalistic and monetary terms that may have emotional import and fallout I won’t be able to undo—unnerving. The first time I signed one, without Ralph with me for some reason, I became so unnerved that afterwards I wondered around the parking lot in tears for about an hour unable to locate my car (ah, the days before clickers).
In those days I worried how I would manage if Rick died first. How I would manage finances and make business decisions. Also, how I would do emotionally, the loneliness and helplessness I might feel. I don’t need to worry about any of those issues anymore because I face them everyday now.
Instead, especially since turning 70 in a Covid world this year, my concern is how Ralph will fare if I die first by some ironic fluke of fate. So while I’ve procrastinated about a lot over the last few months—finding a dentist, hanging pictures, starting an exercise routine, getting involved in organizations to support issues that matter to me, etc—I did find a new lawyer here who has worked with me to finalize our Louisiana documents.
I didn’t confer ahead of time with Ralph this time around. A day or so before our appointment I told him we had an appointment with the lawyer and explained the small changes I was having her make. His only concern was how he’d get cash if I weren’t around; he keeps a $20 bill in his wallet along with one credit card, although he goes nowhere without me and has not purchased a thing since we moved to Nola. I told him one of the kids would take him an ATM machine, which he has never learned how to use, he was satisfied.
The morning of the appointment Ralph asked numerous times which doctor we were going to and I had to remind him each time that we were going to a lawyer concerning our wills and the reasons why. Doing so was important because our new lawyer wanted it to be clear in front of witnesses that Ralph understood what was going on.
And once we were in the lawyer’s office Ralph was fine and at his most charming chatting about our move and asking the lawyer questions about growing up in New Orleans. He signed the required codicil with a clear understanding what it said.
But then the lawyer brought up the Power of Attorney that I already had in Georgia but we needed to extend in Louisiana.
Ralph looked at the papers in front of him.
His Covid mask covering his facial expression, he announced rather loudly, I don’t want Alice having Power of Attorney for me. I don’t trust her with my money.
The lawyer looked up startled. Well, more than startled. I saw what looked to me like panic in her eyes.
He’s kidding, I said to the lawyer putting as much jovial smile into my voice as possible behind my own mask..
You can’t kid like that, I said turning to Ralph, trying to keep my tone light.
He’s such a joker, I said to the lawyer. Ralph making a joke meant Ralph was mentally competent right?
Right.
Ralph chuckled, pleased with himself for scaring the poor woman.
The lawyer laughed with relief.
Ralph signed his name.
Well, that went well, Ralph said as we descended in the elevator afterwards.
Twenty minutes later he settled into his chair at home and looked at me.
Remind me again, where did we go today?
Alice in Memoryland 
My husband has MCI, recently diagnosed but suspected for a long time by me. We had started the estate planning process and had a revocable living trust drafted, but my husband is so problematic during meetings with the attorney that I dropped it. Stress during appointments makes him seem less competent than he actually is, so I wonder if I could even get the papers signed. I need to get that going again.
Is there a way to find the beginning of your blog to start reading there, for those of us at the start of this process?
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Oh Anne, I hope you can get those papers signed. I would talk to his doctor and see what he suggests and make sure the lawyer knows the situation as well. I too had some unpleasant, and embarrassing, moments early on in the process. If you scroll down the right hand side on the blog site, it should get you all the way back to the first post. I am less than computer savvy but just tried and it seemed to work. If not, please email me at the address on the site and I will get back to you.
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What a nightmare! I hired an attorney last year and created a Revocable Trust for our home. I haven’t put anything else in it, (our vehicles are both old and paid for and I don’t know of anything else of real value other than the house and contents). I wanted to protect our home just in case. Ralph sounds just like Robert does at times. He goes along with things and then when it’s just the two of us, asks me to explain to him again what transpired. Good call on your part. We also re-did our wills as part of the estate package.
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I do feel a large relief that we are done with this preparation. I worried my kids would be stepping into a nightmare scenario. As it is Ralph constantly asks how he’ll run our finances “if something happens to you.” Of course his concern is valid and scary because he would be helpless.
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Robert is the same way — he has cash in his wallet and a debit card. He has a CostCo membership card that is also a VISA but hasn’t a clue how to use either one. He hasn’t used an ATM for years so would be totally lost without me. I think my heart condition really had him worried.
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I’ll bet it did. Take care of yourself for your sake as well as his!
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Your story made me laugh out loud 🙂
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A day when I can make you laugh is a good day for me.
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Oh my! I have been following your posts for a while. We have not had any legal documents made yet (Texas) but I know we need to. I am afraid my husband will say the same thing but not be kidding . He is paranoid about his money and suspicious of the bills I have had to take over and manage. We are only at beginning of MCI amnestic type but some days I am mentally exhausted . Thank you for your posts.
On Sun, Feb 14, 2021 at 2:42 PM Alice in Memoryland wrote:
> MCI Alice posted: ” So this week we had an outing: to a lawyer’s office to > sign our wills. We drew up wills in Georgia years ago, before Ralph’s > diagnosis, and a few years ago we updated the wills, to account for the > reality that if I were to die Ralph could no” >
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Virginia, I know exactly what you mean. Ralph was more much less trusting in the early days, in fact once chewed me out in front of our then lawyer. Now he quizzes me almost daily about our finances but I just go back through the same facts he’s heard a million times. He doesn’t want the responsibility any more but the not remembering makes him worry in a way that is slightly different than paranoia or at least I choose to see it that way. Thanks so much for writing.
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