Yes, it’s been months. Life with Ralph did not seem to be changing much, but now I think we are in a new stage that deserves recording.
In October Ralph was accepted in a highly respected local ACE program for those with Alzheimer’s. I had added him to the waiting list several months earlier. on the suggestion of caregivers who I had a feeling Ralph was not ready to be in a group that acknowledged the members have Alzheimer’s but I was warned that it can take years before someone is accepted and I figured that by then he would be ready.
When the call came that there was an opening, I wasn’t sure what to do, but I talked to others in my support group whose spouses had been in the program and they all recommended I try it out. So for the last month Ralph has been attending three days a week. Each four hour visit includes some combination of physical exercise, mental games like trivia, visits with the preschool children in the same facility, music with visiting musicians, art projects, and lunch, snacks and conversation.
The first week or so Ralph was as enthusiastic as he gets about any activity these days. Then one afternoon he came home complaining that he found the group depressing. Evidently, as I learned later from a volunteer, one of the members had become weepy as people talked about their pasts.
He began to get resistant and say it was a waste of time. When he complained that he didn’t do anything while there, I showed him the note handed out after each session spelling out that day’s events; invariably Ralph is specifically mentioned as an active participant. I told that he seemed more energized now. And he generally came around to the idea that getting out and seeing people—he actually did talk specifically about Mamou, a tall distinguished looking man I’d noticed as someone who seemed to be at Ralph’s cognitive level—was better than sitting in a chair all day everyday even if there was no other specific value. I told my support group of his resistance and they agreed I should push him to continue despite his resistance.
But then a combination of doctor appointments I couldn’t reschedule and Thanksgiving recess meant Ralph missed over a week of meetings. This morning when I told him he was going back, he couldn’t quite remember what the program was, but then he became indignant and flared up in stubborn anger at the idea.
“Those old people have mental problems. They are depressing. I won’t go.” He glared at me from deep in his chair that he had no intention of leaving. I told him all the reasons to attend I always tell him (without actually using the word Alzheimer’s), but he was adamant. I remembered times when my children resisted going to preschool or other activity as toddlers. Only they were small and I had physical control. Ralph weighs 200 pounds. I didn’t quake before his anger but I did cave.
At 9:30 I emailed the leaders and said he would not be there when it began at ten and that he didn’t want to continue so we were giving up his place. He watched me type, asked why it was taking me so long, reiterated that he didn’t want to go.
Reluctantly I hit send.
“What did you say exactly. I don’t want to shame anyone.”
“Just that you had decided not to continue.”
“Do you think I should keep going?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
I listed the same set of reasons I had listed all morning and that he had rejected.
“I don’t mind going. It’s as good a way as any to spend my time.”
Quickly, and with some embarrassment for myself, I emailed again that Ralph had changed his mind and would be there after all. Then we got in the car.
Usually I drop him at the front door, but today I walked in with him just to see and make sure the leaders got my second message. They had and as I left Ralph didn’t bother to say goodbye. He was too busy chatting with his Mamou.
Frankly the morning depleted me. And I have a feeling more mornings like this are coming my way.
Alice in Memoryland 