I was picking out apples at the grocery story yesterday when I noticed a woman having a kerfuffle over by the oranges. After she knocked over a small display, her husband rushed to her side and gently steered her away. As I picked up the display, I couldn’t help watching how he spoke quietly to allay her anxiety and confusion. Walking walked past him on the way to the spinach, I whispered, “You are a lovely man.” (To be clear I was not being flirtatious and he was definitely not lovely in any literal sense.)
A few moments later we found ourselves standing together by the avocados. I explained to him that I spoke to him because I wanted to make sure he got credit for the nurturing way he dealt with his wife. I said I understood his situation as a spouse caregiver myself. The look of calm that washed across his face was different that gratitude or relief, was closer to what I imagine war veterans must feel when they connect. We talked for maybe a minute or two and then I moved on before he could see that I had tears in my eyes.
One of those brief moments that reverberate and reverberate.
But it got me thinking, not for the first time, about how much harder it may be for husbands than wives, at least those of my boomer generation. We were a generation who adopted feminism but were not born to it. There was a lot of intellectualizing about women and men’s roles, but there remained an emotional pull to the way we were raised. The men, however “progressive” or “liberal” or even “radical,” paid lip service but under the surface, our roles only shifted so far.
So men now in their fifties, sixties and seventies with wives who are struggling with impairments are having to learn to nurture the way women in similar situations have known how all along. And men like my grocery store friend are stepping up. I am amazed at their openness about how hard it is and their willingness to go all out. Frankly they often seem more open and more willing than I am.
Like many a good feminist of my generation I have never been above a little vicious, resentful man-bashing, let alone husband-bashing. But this is my little shout out to the guys. We are all in this together.